Time has not been kind to former Hollywood actress Susannah York. As she attempts to rekindle her career in hospital soap Holby City, playing frosty boss Helen Grant, she's been given a new look. Unfortunately it's the look of the Tweenies. But it's no wonder her hair stands on end - just look at Holby's mortality rate. I can't remember when they last actually saved a life. It may have something to do with the fact that behind every twitching ward curtain, Holby is a bonk-fest as nurses and doctors pair off. Leading the way is two-timing consultant Owen Davis, played brilliantly by Mark Moraghan. Not satisfied with having Chrissie (the lovely Tina Hobley) running around after him in a nurse's uniform, he's also been warming his stethoscope with her mum Tricia, played by thinking man's crumpet Sharon Maughan. The last time she had her hands on his Gold Blend, he finished up stark naked on the balcony, with just a Liverpool scarf covering his modesty. No wonder people down below were laughing - imagine supporting Liverpool! Meanwhile, The Bill has played the soap writer's get-out-of-jail-free-card of adopting Holby City's `We haven't got a story so let's resort to some sex' ploy, by turning DS Debbie McAllister into a rampant lesbian. She's only just got over her fling with her suicidal and psychotic superintendent husband Tom Chandler. Now she's got the hots for her CID new best friend DC Juliet Becker. It's one of those AC/DC/DS relationships. What a crazy, mixed up world she lives in. Which takes me neatly to Flop Idol, a tasty talent show quickly deteriorating into a care in the community case, where the insane, the inane and the downright sad allow themselves to be ritually ridiculed and humiliated. This week's showcase of shame included the stalker with the gold jacket and gold hair, a Spanish waitress who couldn't sing, couldn't dance and didn't really speak English either, a tube train driver who hit the buffers and a nerdy student who sounded like Mr Bean on crack cocaine. A tiresome Elvis impersonator and two drunken sisters made up the troupe of trash that riddled the auditions in Mank-chester. No wonder it had Simon Cowell biting his lip, saying: "I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored…" HE was bored? Cowell and his venomous tongue despatched the deadbeats with the usual aplomb. He told Daniel, the loser in the gold lamé: "You are the worst singer I've heard in my life… you were cr*p." Daniel tried to mitigate his performance saying: "People either love me or hate me." Trust us, Daniel, we hate you, you desperately sad individual. Mr Bean look-a-like Chris Neville-Smith, a student from County Durham, mumbled his way through Great Balls Of Fire with his flies open. Well, he got the balls bit right. The PhD maths student was left dumbfounded when Cowell told him: "There's 500 left. How come the odds of you winning are a million to one?" Magnificent stuff! Andrew, a talentless Elvis impersonator, should have been denied the oxygen of Pop Idol publicity. In fact, he should have been denied oxygen at birth. Cowell told him: "Shut up and go and be funny outside. We're not interested." The tube train driver received a classic Cowell put-down: "Butlins yes, Pop Idol no." And if the programme wasn't bad enough already - filled by a trail of geeks and the terminally tone deaf - then it was plunged into disrepute when no-hoper Nicola Gates was put through by Cowell just because she's stuttering Gareth's sister. All the more reason to reject her, I'd have thought. If Shot Idol is where these music mingers start out, then Stars In Their Eyes - Celebrity Special, is where they end up. Yes, just as you thought ITV was scraping the bottom of the barrel, up pops Matthew Kelly with his non-awaited return to the box and the usual detritus that is SITE - or should that have an H in it? Sian Lloyd's singing was so bad that not even fellow jungle celebrity John Fashanu could fix it. "Is my lisp really that bad?" asked Toyah Willcox. No love, it's worse. Pouting Catalina Guirado saved the show with her passable impression of Debbie Harry, despite one of her eyes being glued together with mascara. Tonight we face another pile of SITE, as Corrie"s café owner Roy Cropper (David Neilson) shakes, rattles and bread rolls as Roy Orbison. Sticking with the singing, EastEnderszzzz' Dan Ferreira, head of the Asian clan with the most pitiful story line in Albert Square, gets my vote as the worst vocalist soap has ever produced. Yes, even worse than Anita Dobson's warblings as Angie Watts - and that takes some beating. Meanwhile, Corrie continues to monster its rivals with a crop of great (if unbelievable) stories. Racy Tracy is back with her bun in the oven from randy Roy. Poor old soul, he doesn't even remember his night of shame. And Les Battered-sby came close to eating his own crowbar. A similar fate awaits Norris if he doesn't stop chasing that infernal cat. I see John Savident, who plays fat Fred Elliott, almost burnt down the Corrie set with a cigarette. It wouldn't be the first time a fag has got him into trouble - ah say, it wouldn't be t' first time! Emmer-stale's resident lapdancer Yo-Yo knickers Yolanda bagged a big cheque to drop her rape claim against Scott. Should be enough to pay for her new gravity-defying bra from GKN Scaffolding. It girl Emma Jones almost put me off my pot noodle when she appeared on Facelifts From Hell. And she looked even worse after her trout pout cosmetic surgery… We said goodbye to TV sitcom favourite Don Estelle, who was buried earlier this week. Don, 70, played Lofty Sugden in It Ain't Half Hot Mum. Although Don's singing was excrutiating, I'm assured the decision to have his famous jungle helmet on top of his coffin wasn't taking the pith. The Eustace Brothers bowed out with a whimper. This series, previously called Paradise Heights, had a new name but it was the same old rot, wasting the talents of Neil Morrissey, Charlie Dale and Ralf Little. If the Beeb plans a third re-incarnation, can it please supply a decent script and not just a useless title? Comic Steve Coogan says he's going to resurrect DJ Alan Partridge for a TV special. Back of the net! And finally, this week's Worst Dressed Man on the Box Award goes to Ron Atkinson for his black ensemble on The Premiership. He was mourning Andy Townsend's shocking taste in shirts. The World of Syd Waddell! (TV's Geordie darts phenomenon) N"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone home." N"Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength." N"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia." N"He's as twitchy as a frog in a blender." N"Eyes like a Pterodactyl… with contact lenses." N"You couldn't get more excitement here if Elvis Presley walked in eating a chip sandwich!" N"There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed the Christians to the lions." N"That lad could throw 180 standing one-legged in a hammock." N"This game of darts is twisting like a rattle snake with a hernia!" N"He's like D'Artagnan at the scissors factory." TURN ON The One and Only Rolling Stones - this even beats eating Mars Bars. TURN OFF Eyes Down - a Scouse bingo hall sitcom that falls into a cultural void. TURN OVER Intensive Scares - these hospitals make Holby City look safe. MEDICAL DISASTER - Susannah York looks right at home with her new Tweenie hair cut | 
