Next week, you could have a massive impact on the region - nay nation. For many of us I suspect this will be a unique opportunity. Life, let's face it, has hardly been kind. Apart from the thankfully blurry images on Crimestoppers, fame has passed you by. I am on the verge of political and sexual (the two being inextricably linked it would seem) greatness. You are not. For me, destiny. For you, monotony. I fear your life is already mapped out in a great big dull dollop. In essence, your future will be a confused re-run of the events of the past repeated over and over again. But with bits of you expanding, or falling off. And doctors doing increasingly unpleasant things to you. And then, just before the end, the care home. I hope you're firmly in the weekend mood by the way. But you can make a difference to your life, and the lives of others, by voting in the European election. By our reckoning no more than 12 people intend to vote. If I can persuade seven of you to vote for the Clear Blue Water Party we're home and dry. Sadly, due to the appallingly low readership of this column, this represents a real challenge. So we'll circumvent that by the Trusty Sword Of Bribery. Our Get Rich Quick Scheme is based on Pyramid Politics. If you vote for us, you'll get £100. Yes, ONE HUNDRED POUNDS. No questions asked, and no receipts given. And it gets better. For every new member you introduce, you'll also get ONE HUNDRED POUNDS. How can we do this? Don't ask. Believe me, you wouldn't want to know. Alternatively you could exchange the money for Political Points. And what do points make? Prizes
We've thought long and hard about what you really want. We've come up with an ideal mix of presents that will just keep on giving. You could have someone beaten up. We know people. Say no more. You could have a new identity. We could arrange for you to disappear. We could arrange a new life for you on a sun-kissed beach with sun-kissed men, women or both (please delete as appropriate). We could arrange a sex change for you, or your chosen candidate. Perhaps your neighbour could be beaten up, and then return as Della the Fella. The more vouchers, the greater the choice. Plastic surgery is bound to be a winner. You could either have something done on yourself - or even better done on someone else. You could have a bit of nip and tucking. Alternatively we could give your boss the biggest nose in Europe. We could tattoo anyone anytime. Is there anyone you'd like to see with MAD DOG across their forehead? We like to think our catalogue of ideas is original, innovative and disturbing, but in an amusing way. We have no scruples here - simply forging other peoples signatures is good enough for us. We want votes, and we don't care how we get them. We intend to have fun in Europe. It's A Knockout will return, with Stuart Hall. And, we'll win. The people we know again We'll win Eurovision. Think about the people we know. And I know who I want to lead our European negotiations. We want someone who will be able to skilfully articulate our views, but listen to any concerns from our European partners. Someone we can trust. Ladies and gentlemen, who better than Gordon Ramsay? The Clear Blue Water Party - the meeting of the heart and the wallet. Anything we've missed? ********** One code I'll never crack What are the most puzzling words known to man? I offer my suggestion. Smart casual. I'm attending a conference soon. I cannot go into detail, because of the immense sensitivity that accompanies such events. Let's just say national security, shall we? And leave it at that. National security and trained killers. I've said too much. There will be hell to pay back at the regiment at Hereford if they find out. Anyway, the joining instructions contain the words every bloke dreads. `Dress code will be smart casual on the evening, and comfortable casual during the day.' What the hell does that mean? Why couldn't they tell you exactly what they mean. I'll have to take every piece of clothing I've got. Which, in fairness, isn't a lot, but that's not the point. To me `smart casual' means Brett Sinclair, with a hint of Jason King. A purple shirt, with matching kipper tie, shoes and cravat. Set against an elegant pair of loons, and a white jacket. Doused in Old Spice, you'd be smart casual at its best. Smart casual - it's definitely trousers isn't it? Or so I thought. When I asked three other blokes we found we had four interpretations. Varying from suit, no tie to jeans, no rips. Comfortable casual - this troubles me more. It means Slob to me. Taxi driver. I know what I feel comfortable in - and that I'm definitely casual when wearing. I just wouldn't want anyone to see me. Big red jumper, which touches my knees. Enormous blue jogging trousers (jogging definitely not necessary). Sorted. My Saturday night The Premiership outfit. Not conference gear, methinks. I reckon comfortable means jeans. But I'm not certain. I think it's all a test of class. What we interpret as smart or casual, will speak volumes for our character and background. So, I'm erring on the side of caution. Comfortable will be a suit. Smart will see the tie. What do you reckon? | 
