And so the good news just keeps on coming. Charles is going to make an honest woman of Camilla, and I'm sure we're all absolutely thrilled. We'll all be dancing in the streets come April - there'll be some petrol drunk in Teesside that night. Charles first met Camilla at a polo match. I know many of you will have had the same experience. Apparently one in 10 married couples in Blyth met at a polo match. In Ashington there is a high preponderance of those who met at a quoits match, while most couples from Jesmond met at gurning competitions. It makes sense now, doesn't it, all those ugly people that come from Jesmond? I first met Cement Woman at a boxing night. She won easily. And so in April we'll have the marriage to look forward to, closely followed by the other epic we dread, the General Election. The big day will be May 5, I'm reliably told. Which is a bit of a blow actually, as the Party intended to go on the lash that week. We want to do a hands-on, in-depth research programme on the pros and cons of binge drinking. We thought a week in Prague should do it. Obviously a General Election throws that into some doubt, so I may well need to start the drinking early. They've all been at it, haven't they? Michael Howard has been running around with policemen. Hello, sailor. The impression I get is that if the Conservatives get in, they'll imprison everyone, and life will mean life. No one will get in - a wall will be built around the United Kingdom keeping out Johnny Foreigner. And with everyone being in prison, no one will get out. The Scottish Chappie has been saying something. He must have, surely? I just can't for the life of me remember a thing he says. But the Labour lads have been everywhere, have they not? In the region for the conference the security was tight. We live 50 miles from The Sage, but I was still frisked by a policeman near my back door. It makes you think, doesn't it? It made me blink, I know that. And of course Labour have been making their pledges, which I have to say have impressed me. Fabulously vague. They're on to something. And this has led to a frenzy in the Clear Blue Water Party. We've been doing a lot of thinking. And we're not natural thinkers. We're more ageing action figures, Easy Riders with a hint of Fray Bentos. Thinking is hard. Descartes was right here. I disagreed with her views on the banjo, but on thinking Descartes was spot on. We've been discussing the pledges we should make. We sat down and all agreed to write the key words that we thought would embody our party and its particular political strain. After an hour we compared cards and then drew up the Top 10 Cards that had the most votes. The whole thing has been a complete shambles. The most popular card we had was "Kylie". I reckon it's a winner, conveying as it does powerful emotional images of joy, beauty and jiggling. "Wealth" is at number two. Again, I like this. Kylie and wealth, a heady brew that gets my dander up. "Alcohol" is at number three. You have Kylie on one hand, a wallet stuffed with readies in your pocket and a glass of Rioja in your non-Kylie hand (there's a thought). We cannot reach an agreement on any of the other themes. "Curry" has almost got the vote; we just need one more vote from the "Fish and Chips" corner. We have alternative suggestions, which we are considering. "Sky Sports" and "We're Big On Minimalism" are being taken out to a series of focus groups, to see if we're all on the same page and if they have legs, we're going to put them up the flagpole. "Sadie The Bra Lady" has her supporters, as does "Shepherds Of Gateshead". I think we should look forward and not back. Shepherds of Gateshead has gone. It's not coming back. I just wish some of my Party, admittedly the ones that still have Shepherds money, would move on. And I don't think if we're looking forward we should be looking at bras. You can get into a lot of trouble looking at bras, I can tell you. So it's Marriage and Election Madness for the lot of us. May God have mercy on our souls. Alternative Pledges welcome. | 
