We ask the big questions. Questions which are quite literally bigger than the average question. Like, "Is hedonism really a pleasure?" Is it all it's cracked up to be? Unfortunately, at this stage, I'm unable to formally answer the question in the rigorously scientific way you'd expect. I've offered to take a sabbatical, and over a 12-month period rigorously and vigorously pursue pleasure. And then report back. Either with `Yes,' `No,' or ideally `Too Early To Tell.' When I say pursue pleasure, I'd prefer that pleasure came to me, or at the very least I was given a lift. Carried to pleasure on one of those Egyptian jobbies by a whole plethora of nubile servants, all oiled up. I wouldn't want to go anywhere, not even to pleasure, on the back of an elephant. Let me make that absolutely clear, formally and finally. Unfortunately I seem to have an issue in my negotiations regarding said sabbatical. It's about the receipts process. Apparently if the receipt just has `Pleasure' written on it, accounts won't be able to correctly code it. This is because accountants have no concept of what pleasure is. I would need to be more specific - exactly detailing the pleasure, and with drawings if possible. This could cause a series of medical emergencies throughout the entire finance function. Sounds good to me. Is Having It All a good thing? I can say, with some authority, that Not Having Much isn't a barrel of laughs. Does money buy you happiness? Sadly, I think we all know the answer, do we not? Let's look at Peter Stringfellow. It always helps me, I can tell you that. Now there's a man who should be melancholy. Instead, he's always grinning like a chimpanzee that's found all the bananas. Why? Money. Which seems, puzzlingly in his case, to result in women. I'll leave the rest to your fertile imagination. Peter Stringfellow. In a state of undress. In your kitchen. And you try and run away. But you fall over. Peter shuffles towards you. Like a glassy-eyed mannequin. With appalling hair. You try and get up. You can't. And then. And then. He's on you like a tramp on a kipper. Welcome back. See, life isn't quite so bad, is it? There is, however, a serious message here. Women should not be near danger. Because when danger presents itself, and I've watched countless films here so I speak with some authority, women always fall over. Godzilla wakes up, women fall over. Likewise when dinosaurs start chasing, as they're so prone to do, the female ankle subsides. Frankenstein? Over she goes. This is obviously good news to the male, who can easily get away, as long as he's able to sidestep the fallen women. There's a message from the Church. Sidestep the fallen women, and eternal life is yours. At least it will seem that way. Does pleasure make you happy? Is it sinful to be knee deep in a little of what you fancy? I'm a big fan of Faust here - do what you want, as many times as you can manage, and with your last gasp, tell God you love him. I could be genuinely sincere here. If I knew that death was a few breaths away, those rosary beads wouldn't know what had hit them. But it seems a risky strategy, because in the pre-rosary beads part of my life, and I'm banking on 30 years here, I'd be appalling. On balance I reckon God would see through me. Reading the Bible he seems astute. Reading the Old Testament he seems overly vengeful as well. Prone to smoting. Particularly if you're vulnerable to begatting, adulterating and all round percy filthing. Reading the Bible, I note the absence of a sense of humour. Not one joke. Not one `I'm not saying that Barabbus is fat, but...' Not one out-take. I'd review the Bible as "overly wordy, poorly constructed as it tends to meander through the tale, dry, and somewhat fizzles out. Readers of this will not like The Da Vinci Code." Yes, the Bible dangles eternal life in front of us, but is it a life you'd want? And is it eternal, or does it just seem like it? Eternal monogamy. Eternal monotony. Others able, in all safety, to clip you, without retribution. I want more fun than that. Which is where Buddhism comes in. I know practically nothing about it, but I like the look of that man. Clearly abstinence isn't necessary - and Buddha looks truly content to me. With each passing year, I'm looking more like The Big B. So, is Buddhism the answer? Next week I may answer this query, or I may wander off elsewhere. What's your pleasure? *********** Seeing red is divine Some things happen that confirm there must be a God. Divine things. Events that make you feel blessed to be alive. Charles and Camilla. The birth of Lord Steve Gibson. Edwina and John Major (shurely shome mishtake?) And so last week, a beautiful thing happened. Malcolm Glazer buying Manchester United. Causing uproar amongst their fans - protests the length and breadth of the M25. Enraged fans - some of who have supported the Red Devils for months - threaten to abandon their true love, and form a new club, which I would imagine would be, for their own convenience, based in London. Fergie's future is in doubt, it would seem. Manchester United may, because of the potentially crippling debts, be forced to take in washing. They may eventually disappear. From the bottom of my heart - thanks Malc. | 
