The election is all around us. It's everywhere we go. And aren't we having fun? The political candidates are under orders to get in amongst us, and press the flesh. One offered to sleep with me last week. I told him I was flattered, and slightly curious, but I would have to decline both him, and all his cabinet colleagues. Elections serve a useful purpose in informing us what our respective areas are like - are they posh, middle class, or common? In a football tournament the St George flags come out, endemically sweeping through the poor areas. These are the modern day public indicators of social need, like rickets was in the past. They occasionally are seen in middle class areas - these are poor folk who are now bettering themselves. Posh areas are flag-free. I'd recommend you drive around areas during major football tournaments to suss them out. You'd then be better informed about ever living there. If you see nationalistic flags on houses and cars, these people are scum and eat pasties. Obviously this won't help you at all if you ever try it in Scotland. There would be no point at all. Obviously. What with Scotland being so dreadful at football. And rugby, come to think about it. Really, really poor, they are. Anyway, I've become sidetracked. By Scotland's awfulness. Nice lochs, mind. At election time, `Vote Labour' posters adorn the houses of the common folk, immediately taking thousands of pounds off the value of their neighbours' houses. It tries to pretend it's now classless, but let's face it, Labour, even with the New tag added to it, is the natural home of those short of a bob or two. It's the choice of people who swear a lot. I reckon if you did a straw poll of those arrested for drinking, swearing and fighting of a weekend, it would be a Labour landslide. No wonder the Conservatives want tougher sentences on criminals. They want the opposition incarcerated. Along with everyone else. The Labour Party has John Prescott. And John Reid. Need I say more? And Charles Clarke. I reckon, that without any doubt at all, Labour is the hardest party. It would definitely win a bare knuckle contest with the others. Except the Scottish Nationalists obviously, who would give all comers a terrible beating. The Conservatives wouldn't last five minutes with Labour. Oliver Letwin? You're having a laugh. The name itself says, `Don't hit my face - take my wallet, just don't hurt me!' Labour is the ruffians' choice - and ruffians like flags and posters. It's been scientifically proven if you don't believe me. People who want people to think they have class put up `Vote Conservative' posters. They don't actually like posters - as we've said these folk are ruffians - but they do like making an impression. These people live in nice areas. These people have personalised number plates, and try to run poor people off the road. These people spend a lot of money on their gardens, and wash their cars every Sunday morning. Obviously no one in the region has ever put up a Liberal Democrat poster, as it would have contributed to the barbaric death of a tree. And those trees were meant for hugging, not killing. The election agendas have been set for the main parties, and the Liberal Democrats. It's now up to us - the Clear Blue Water Party - to spot the gaps, shamelessly steal the best ideas, and try and dress it up under a banner. As a Catholic, I'm naturally a big fan of hate and fear. Unfortunately the Conservatives seem to have this all wrapped up. Labour has 12,000 policies, and are totally unhindered by ideology. They are whatever you want them to be. It's a pick `n' mix. You want tough - it's in there. You want caring? It's in there. They are tough on the causes of softness and caring about the victims of crime. The Liberal Democrats want us to know that the Scottish fellow - you know, the nice one from the telly - has had a baby. It's short on detail, but it has an appeal. So where does that leave us? I notice the arrival of the One Word Parties. Kilroy has Veritas. Which I wish was a really painful disease that starts by attacking the privates. The Other Scottish bloke has Respect. I bet he gets the young vote with that, particularly if he adds Nuff to the title. Is there something in a simple title - particularly when we reflect on the simple electorate? I think there is, and to that end am thinking of renaming the party. To bring its appeal down to the core message. When people ask me , `Why am I in politics?', I always tell them to bugger off. It's because I've got Tourettes. If I didn't I'd tell them, in all honesty it's for me. I'm doing it for me. I want the best for me. I couldn't give a monkeys about anyone else. I want wealth, I want power, I want a plethora of expensive trinkets. I want to travel abroad, and see the world and all its beauty at your expense. Politics seems the obvious route. And I know I'm not alone. I reckon more than half the nation only cares about themselves - and I want their votes. So, I want to rename the party Me. I reckon it could be a landslide. What do you think? | 
